Sunday, July 29, 2012
In Which the Author's plans may have to be changed
Okay, so here's what's going on: tomorrow (Monday) I'm probably losing my job. This causes several problems, not the least of which, see: Fantine, firing of. And of course the extrapolated aftermath (no money, no food, no house, no nothing) which I'm sure we can all agree is, well, not desirable. Or, is it?
The thing is, I'm finding it increasingly ridiculous that I should even try to hold on to a job that has been actively trying to kill me for almost a year. And when I say that I'm being only slightly exaggerating. The toll the stress of this place has incurred is staggering. Last year at this time I was not having facial tics that made my whole right side seize up like a stroke, or nervous coughs 2-3 times a day that are so violent it leads to vomiting. I'm under the care of three different doctors covering three different sides of the same damn problems, simultaneously, and not one of them can tell me what is wrong with me or give me something that will do anything more than not make it worse. In this last year alone I've taken more meds than I've taken in the preceding 45 years combined; last year at this time I took a daily vitamin and the occasional Aleve for a headache. This is what this last year looks like:
And now I am deaf in one ear because I've started grinding my teeth at night which has closed one of my Eustachian tubes. Supposedly sleeping with a mouth guard will prevent the teeth grinding which will eventually reopen the tube, but it hasn't happened yet.
So this is what I'm up against. The classic damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.
Tomorrow morning I go before HR for a meeting the details of which they have so far refused to disclose to me. I can guess it's not a promotion. Yet if they were going to fire me they would have already done so. I can surmise from other clues that I'm being invited to explain something I may or may not have done, with the purpose of demonstrating why I should or should not keep my job. Schrödinger's Cat was more decisive.
Here's the conundrum: why should I try to keep a job that has been killing me? For the money? And let's face it, my pay rate is obscenely good... but only when I can work long enough in the day to benefit. Right now I'm working half of a full paycheck. But I can always temp again. For the health insurance? If I'm not stressed by the job I don't need all this anymore, do I? I'd been afraid to lose the benefits, but the stress has actually decreased from the moment it appeared I was about to lose the job. What does that say?
The universe is definitely telling me something. It may look bleak in the short term, as in, where's the rent money going to come from, but if I'm going to starve I'll be sane while doing it.
The upshot of which is that I'm supposed to be starting to write Inferno in 2 days, as part of my "get it all done" strategy. If I don't find work quickly I'm about to have a lot more free time to do it in, but I'm worried that they'll interfere with each other. So, in the next few days I'll know what's what with the book, and hopefully everything else. In the meantime...
There's a button on the right hand side for donations, if you're so inclined. If not, or if you too are broke and scrambling, a good thought in my direction would be just as much appreciated.
Signed: the Artist Currently Known As Starving